Dear queens, there will always be times when we feel insecure from situations in our lives but when it becomes the “determinant” of our entire life, it becomes a problem. So today, we will talk about how to overcome insecurity and take control of our lives.
Do you know a recent survey found that a whooping 60% of women experience negative self critical thoughts on a weekly basis?
Yes, you read that right. 60 percent women.
Our feelings of insecurity usually stem from our childhood memories and experiences according to several studies. These memories engender feelings and ideas of one “being different” from every other person.
Of course in a negative way. This translates to feelings of insecurity in adulthood although it is known that some adults overcome their feelings of insecurity after coming to terms with their life experiences.
A child who is constantly told by the parents that they will not amount to anything and one who is constantly encouraged to try new things and be themselves will have different outlook about life and different levels of self esteem.
Child A becomes an adult with severe issue of low self esteem and high feelings of insecurity and Child B becomes a confident adult.
It is easy Mathematics.
Our experiences during childhood will always play a huge role in our lives throughout our adult life but we have the choice to be the best version of ourselves by trying to improve our lives.
We learn, unlearn and relearn.
This is what adulting is about.
So let’s discuss how to overcome insecurity but first things, first! Kindly tweet this on Twitter!How To Overcome Insecurity And Take Absolute Control Of Your Life Click To Tweet
Why Am I So Insecure? What Causes Insecurity?
In order to resolve feeling insecure, you need to understand why you feel insecure and what causes insecurity.
There is what is known as the “critical inner voice” which is basically an inner dialogue we have with ourselves in our heads. It is said that this critical inner voice is developed/formed from our early childhood and it comprises of all of our experiences whilst growing up.
From the example given above, a child who who is constantly told they won’t amount to anything will grow up into an adult who believes he/she do not have anything to offer, are not good enough and can never be good at anything.
It the same for a child whose parents were perhaps involved in a bitter divorce and/or where not present while they were growing up. It has been known that parents who are very intrusive end up “annihilating” their kids making them withdrawn and secretive.
All these scenarios and many more make our critical voices more “critical” and we become more critical of ourselves as we grow older.
An author, Dr. Daniel Siegel who wrote the book, “Parenting From The Inside Out” stipulates that the reason why children feel insecure is because “they are not seen for they are”. These insecurity issues come from our early attachment styles. He also says healthy attachment is embedded in what he referred to as the “four S” – feeling SAFE, SEEN, SOOTHED and SECURE.
When these four S are “fulfilled” in a child’s life, the result is an adult who is well grounded.
Dr. Siegel states that the best approach for parenting (to ensure that their kids experience these four S) is to be unbiased and be realistic about who they are and who their kids are also, accept them and be empathetic .
They may start to feel insecurity and lose a sense of their actual abilities.. This is achieved by ‘investing” in what their kids like and not pushing their own choices on them. This will enable a child develop a strong sense of self worth.
I believe those of us who are parenting should do this more often so we help ‘build’ adults that are more secure about their lives.
In all these, remember that feelings of insecurities are either perceived or legitimate.
Effects Of Insecurity
Insecurity have far reaching consequences. From our relationships to the workplace, insecurity can interfere with just about every aspects of our lives.
Here are some of the ways feeling insecure can affect our lives:
- It is fuel for mental health issues like depression and anxiety
- Artificial or low self esteem
- Self Isolation. Need to hide from everyone because you feel you are not perfect
- Perfectionism. Yes, it can be a sign of insecurity
- Poor Job performance. You do not have confidence in your abilities and become prone to errors and mistakes on the job.
- Extreme feeling of shyness which is detrimental to self growth
- Over compensating in your relationships thinking you have to be a ‘certain way” to be loved
- Always feeling “little” compared to everyone else even when it is not true
- Great difficulty in trusting people
- Fear of making decisions
- Feelings of insecurity make you become extremely guarded emotionally and this can take a toil on your relationships both platonic and romantic.
- You will always feel unaccepted, unwanted and unloved
- Have difficulty in establishing and maintaining any healthy, long-lasting relationship be it love relationship, friendships and family relationships etc.
- Constant feelings of paranoia
These and many more reasons is why we all should learn how to overcome insecurity.
How to Stop Feeling Insecure: How To Overcome Insecurity
Now, that we have identified why one may feel insecure, let’s tackle how to overcome insecurity.
Here ten things you should learn and start doing to stop feeling insecure
1. Forgive Your Past Mistakes: Girl, no one is perfect! I believe we need to learn that we are humans at the end of the day and are bound to make mistakes. The first step to overcoming insecurity is learning to forgive yourself. Forgive those mistakes you made, learn from them and avoid making them again.
2. Affirm Who You Are: Dear Queens, you are enough. You are beautiful the way you. Tell yourself ‘I matter”. Affirm who you are and believe firmly that you are valuable. These Self Love Affirmations will help you overcome feelings of insecurity.
3. Challenge Your Negative Thoughts: That inner critical voice that is the main culprit for making you feel insecure, silent it. When those negative thoughts come into your mind, challenge them.
Counter them with the truth. What is the truth? The truth is you are on a journey of self discovery and self growth and you will get better every day.
4. Practice Self Care & Self Love. Put Yourself First: Some of us always put friends and family first and then neglect ourselves.
Self love and self care are powerful ways to build self worth, self esteem and confidence because they will counter negative thoughts and feelings. Here is an amazing list of 101 ways to practice self love and self care.
5. Identify & Step Away From Negative Situations: Identify those situations that causes feelings of insecurity in you. Is it certain people, things or environment? Identify the triggers and step away so to as overcome insecurity. I have had one or two occasions where I had to step away. You just have to do it for your mental health and wellbeing.
6. Mind The Company You Keep: There are people who will always make you feel insecure. This is why people feel insecure in relationships and even platonic friendships.
It therefore makes sense to mind the kind of company you keep. To overcome feeling insecurity, only keep good company that makes you feel confident about yourself.
Be with people that are good for your soul.
Here are a list of 11 Toxic People You Should Completely Avoid.
7. Overcome Insecurity By Reflecting On The Positive: Yes, there will always be downsides and the negative but by dwelling on only the bad, we make ourselves feel insecure. Girl, it is better to only reflect on the good and positive.
You know what they say about counting your blessings. Count your blessings, give thanks and practice gratitude. Always!
Practicing Gratitude is a a great to help you stay grounded and focused on the positives around your life.
8. Embrace The Awkward: Do anyone remember when I said I have always felt my ears were big? All through my Secondary schools days, I always felt my ears were big and I was always self conscious about a big scar on my right heel but I have come to embrace and own them.
Embrace those things that make you feel odd or awkward. Own them. They are part of you. Go ahead and embrace those awkward moments that made you feel insecure. In embracing them, you weaken the power they may have had over you.
The result of embracing the awkward is having great self compassion and self confidence.
9. Discover and Harness The Power of Journaling: Journaling has helped me a great deal and I believe it is something every woman should do. Journal prompts will help you identify the triggers that makes you feel insecure be it at home, work, relationships and life generally.
When you truthfully write down your thoughts and emotions, you will find that with time, you shed those things that make you feel insecure and you will gradually overcome feeling insecurity. Some great journal prompts that would be helpful are:
- Why do I feel insecure?
- What is making me feel insecure?
- Is it worth feeling insecure over?
- What feelings and emotions do I feel when I feel insecure?
- What can I do to stop those feelings?
- How do I feel after doing those things to stop the negative feelings?
If you are new to journaling, these journaling tips will help on how to start writing your feelings and emotions. This way you are able to pour out your heart out by being candid and then discovering the root cause of your insecurity.
10. Find Your Happy: Find your happy place, girl. Where is the place or thing that makes you happy? Identify it and make it an intricate part of your life.
Conclusion: How To Overcome Insecurity
Dear Queens, like everything change, ” how to overcome insecurity” isn’t going to be a one day affair but a gradual process. There are times you will feel that everything you are doing is not making you better but trust the process.
These are feelings you have had all your life and they won’t vanish in the twinkle of an eye. Focus on self compassion. Have compassion on yourself as you move from the awkward duck to the confident Swan. Don’t forget to share and let me know your thoughts in the comment section.